Why I Left the Church

November 1, 2008

I taught in Catholic schools, and was a principal within that system too. I articulated for the community more than once why they should BE there. To wit, the institutional church had four purposes: worship, study, service and community. That’s what we did together. I am very much on a spiritual journey, which I never forget. So what happened?

Study: I came to know too well the real history of the Catholic church (a product of 18 years of Catholic education and a pilgrimage to Italy), of the abuses of power, the scandals, the warping of scriptural meanings, and the surpression of truth from the past. “History is written by the winners.” I could forgive a lot of that, stay focused on the present good that the church does, on life in the community, which I truly loved. But increasingly I questioned some of the creedal statements, using “mental reservations” when I could bring myself to speak them aloud at all.

Worship: I loved the Mass, but when I went to Communion as an “approved” communicant, I began to find the rejection of others at The Table increasingly unacceptable. I couldn’t recall Jesus rejecting ‘sinners”, whatever the source of their sin. How could WE do that? How could I participate in rejecting others based on their sexual orientation, political affiliation, or cultural understandings? The second best position of being a lay person, or a woman, grated on me as it became more obvious in recent years. Being at Mass was a weekly stirring up in me of righteous anger.

Service: I wasn’t doing enough, but working for the church at severely reduced wages helped justify holding women hostage to injustice world-wide. I was supporting a male-dominated system that was NOT likely what Jesus had in mind, given how he treated the women of His time. Anything less than genuine respect for women is not acceptable. I could not participate in that anymore.

Community: I fancy the communities I belonged to respected me, and watched me as teacher, principal, lector, Eucharistic minister, and at times thought, “If SHE is here, it must be OK.” But it is not OK. I tried going to Masses in other languages, anonymously, but I still knew all the above, regardless. I was still holding up a false front by my very presence. I didn’t belong there. I needed to heed the promptings of the Spirit within me.

The institutional church is not living up to its own ideals, its own vision, of bringing compassion and justice to the world. The institutional church is focused first on its own survival, trying to be ‘changeless”. Yes, it is still doing a lot of good. Every day I pray for the people in all the parishes I participated in, and for the hierarchy that they might be genuine disciples of Jesus in this day and age. The Church is a human institution, after all, wherein perfection is impossible, but it is especially improbable when it lives in denial of its own failure to implement the teachings of Jesus, the Founder and Lord.

My active membership would only be enabling, since every effort I made towards reform was rejected. I have written personally to every active Bishop in the U.S., the Princes who have the power, and to the Pope. I have written for National Catholic Reporter. I feel black balled. Now I go to mass on Sundays sometimes, just to see some people whom I know, who know me. They welcome me and ask few questions, because they probably don’t want to know my answers. They have their own questions. And there we are, because no matter what we each think, we want to worship God.

Jesus did not have suffering and death as his goal. Those were only by-products of living the truth. That's the example I am trying to follow.

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